Mother's Day Thoughts

This is my second attempt at this piece.  I only wrote about a paragraph in the first one before I scrapped it.  It was going down an angry rabbit hole and I have already been there.  That’s what happens when I write sometimes.  I may be feeling great but my writing will reveal things that I don’t even realize are there.  I planned to write about Mother’s day.  I planned to write about how one holiday can be seen many different ways. 

Scenario #1:  All moms and children are happy and healthy.  This is how I grew up.  Mothers Day was a day to celebrate my mom and grandmas.  Mom didn’t cook on mother’s day (as no mother should) but she still organized a good feast.  We usually got together with my dad’s side of the family because they were local.  This scenario is ideal.  

Scenario #2: there are children who grieve a mother who is gone.  My mom faced her first mother’s day without her mom today.  It occurred to her Tuesday that this day will be harder than she expected.  Now I need to confess that I am terrible about remembering holidays and birthdays.  I buy cards with good intentions.  They never get filled out and sent in the mail.  I have a pile of unused mothers day cards in a filing cabinet.  So I panicked a bit.  I reached out to mutual friends back in Michigan for help.  I told them how roses are special to mom because grammy grew them in her garden.  I asked them if they would pick up one single rose for her and leave it on her porch.  That would show that people care about her but she wouldn’t have to talk to anybody about how difficult this day is for her.  So mom has gotten roses delivered to her every day this week.  I hope that has brightened her day and made it just a bit easier.

Scenario #3:  There are women who have a mother’s heart but have never been blessed with a child.  Mother’s Day is pure torture for these women.  They see celebration all around them.  They go to church, plant a smile on their faces while inside they are aching for the child that has yet to fill their arms.  Or they skip church all together because facing it is just too hard.   

Scenario #4:  There are those that have loved and lost.  Miscarriage, still born, accidents, adoptions that fell through- however a child was lost, Mother’s Day is painful.  It’s a reminder of what was.  It is a reminder of what could have been.

Scenario #5:  Those that have a mixture of earthly babies and heavenly babies.  These could reveal themselves in one of two ways: you focus on the heavenly babies or you focus on the earthly babies. 

The last week has been wonderful.  I have had a pleasant mixture of all of these scenarios.  I spent the week serving my mom by honoring my Grammy.  I have sent her pictures of roses.  Therefore, I have been mindful of the beauty of a rose this whole week.  My eyes were drawn to them wherever I went. 

I have honored my heavenly babies.  Yesterday I had the privilege of attending a mother’s day tea thrown by my infant loss support group.  There was a room full of women that had been involuntarily inducted into the worst club in the world.  But we got to celebrate our babies together.  In this environment it is welcome and not awkward.  That’s a blessing.  Today I had coffee in my twins mug which has their ultrasound picture on it.  I wore my “L” earrings to church.  I even wore the dress I wore to their memorial which I have joked is my funeral dress since I wore it to uncle Jim’s funeral too. 

I have also gotten to enjoy my earthly baby.  This is the first year he has been healthy on mother’s day.  That’s a big deal.  My church does Mother’s Day right.  They call it Mamapalooza.  There’s food and gifts, photo opportunities, fun videos and a mother’s day focused message.  I have missed that for 3 years.  This morning I felt like a new mama.  I got to go to Mamapalooza for the very first time.  I got a picture with my son.  I got a water bottle and flowers.  I got to enjoy a great message. 

I felt like my mother’s day was balanced and healthy.  I wasn’t sad and depressed over the babies I lost.  I honored them but I was able to appreciate the healthy son I have with me.  God blessed me with a balanced perspective.  One aspect of grief that makes me so sad is seeing the healthy, earthly babies being pushed aside and ignored because grief takes over.  I never want to ignore the twins and not give them their rightful place in my life but I don’t want Trey to be overshadowed.  He deserves his mommy.  He deserves my best.   

Mom and I talked this morning about what a challenge Mother’s Day can be.  You celebrate mothers but those struggling with infertility and child loss go unnoticed.  Social media is covered in messages about how we need to be sensitive to those that struggle on days like these.  Can I just say that I’m tired of hearing/reading that stuff?  As a mother, someone who has dealt with infertility, someone who has lost two children and a grandmother, lets stop being sensitive and just love.  Celebrate with those who are celebrating.  Cry with those who are crying.  Pay attention to those around you.  Reach out to them no matter what they are feeling.  You don’t even have to say anything. Put your arm around them, give them a flower.  Just see them.  Quit worrying about the correct way to handle the situation.  Just. Love.  Love is the only communication we need.