I saw Him

I’m much more anxious with this pregnancy than I thought I would be.  We knew we wanted another child.  We were trying so none of this is a surprise.  I have talked to other women who lost children and then went on to have more.  Every fear that I have is valid.  Every one has been felt by any woman who has lost a child. I almost feel like I’ve been holding my breath, waiting for something bad to happen.  Knowing the last six months, you can’t really blame me.

Today I had my first doctor’s appointment, with a new OB.  This morning I prayed over the appointment.  I journaled all of my fears and I combatted each one with truth.  I was afraid of not seeing anything on the ultrasound.  The truth of the matter was that it is really early to see anything so an unclear ultrasound was a possibility.  That would just mean I would have to wait a couple more weeks for the baby to develop enough to be seen.  That’s not the worst thing that I could face so its doable.  I was afraid of seeing twins on the monitor.  The fact that I had complications with Lucas and Lorelei put me at a higher risk for the same thing to happen again if I were to be pregnant with multiples.  But the truth is, if I am pregnant with twins, these twins were conceived naturally.  Lucas and Lorelei were conceived with clomid after a year of infertility.  We got pregnant right away with this baby and without the help of medication.  I felt a peace that this baby has a better start already. I was afraid of going to this appointment by myself.  But the truth is, I have done a lot of things by myself.  The day I lost the twins, I went to the hospital by myself so Denny could stay with Trey.  I heard the news that the kids would not live, by myself.  I survived. I can do it again if that is the Lord’s will.  As I prayed, I begged God, “I need to see you at this appointment.  I need you present and I need to feel your presence”.

I arrived at the OB and was ushered into a room.  The nurse was so nice and really made me feel comfortable.  Then the time came for the ultrasound so she gave me the gown to change into.  Yall.  Its an actual gown.  Not a paper crop top with wide open arms that really covers nothing.  I know this may be a silly thing to be excited about but ask any woman, they will agree with me.  I was thrilled, making me feel even more comfortable with our choice of new OB.  I even commented on it to the NP and she explained that they have male staff so they wanted to make sure we were not uncomfortable around them.  What?!  My last OB had male doctors.  Never once did they question that.  They would even make me sit there in paper while discussing all the details of my upcoming pregnancy.  I hated it. 

The nurse practitioner explained where I would be delivering and asked if I would like to breast feed the baby.  I told her that it never worked with Trey so I would love to try this time.  She explained that hospital policy is for the baby to be placed on the mother, skin to skin, right after birth for a minimum of one hour.  They won’t even do the baby’s measurements until that skin to skin contact has been made for an hour.  They have found that this builds the bond between mother and baby and will actually help the baby to latch.  I told the NP that I had heard of that but it was never even brought up as an option when I had Trey.  She said “well was he in the NICU or something?”  I said no, he was right beside me in the bassinet all the time.  She shook her head and said that’s not how we do things.  I laughed and said I feel like this is a whole different experience.  I’ve been pregnant before but they do things so differently.  Its refreshing, like we have a fresh start.  God is already giving us a fresh start.  That’s what Noah’s rainbow was: it was a fresh start after devastation. 

We did the ultrasound and we saw the baby.  There isn’t a lot to see at 6 weeks but we saw what we need to see.  The baby is alive and thriving.  I even saw flickering of “cardiac activity”.  I began to breathe easier.     The NP gave me the pregnancy paperwork and information about their practice.  Since I am a new patient, I haven’t decided on a doctor in the practice.  She showed me all the doctors they have to choose from and said “based on your personality and what you have been through, I recommend these doctors…” and she starred them.  That’s not your run of the mill, “all our doctors are great” pat answer.  I really appreciated that.  I felt heard and validated based on the fact that she wanted to match me with a doctor that would make me feel comfortable and at ease.  I’m going to like it here. 

The NP felt so confident with what she saw on the Ultrasound that she recommended that I go ahead and get all the bloodwork today.  So I went down to the lab to get that done.  I got called back to the room and I immediately warned the technician that I have terrible veins.  She nodded and asked who drew my blood last time.  I told her it wasn’t here and she was shocked.  She said surely I have seen you before.  I explained that I had just moved here so that wasn’t possible.  She got me set up to take blood from my left arm.  I held my arm out and heard a gasp from the tech.  I said “what?”  She said “I’ve seen your tattoo before.  I swear I’ve drawn your blood before.”  I assured her she had not.  Then she continued to tell me that about once a week she gets this feeling from patients.  She feels like God is trying to tell her something but she can’t figure it out.  She called in another tech because she had shared this feeling with her.  The other tech said “so what do you need to learn?”  and then she turned to me and said “what does your tattoo mean?”  I went on to explain that when I was 3 months pregnant with the twins I was told by a stranger that my twins were arrows in the Lord’s quiver and that they will be sure, direct and accurate for whatever purpose the Lord designs for them.  I explained that we lost Lucas and Lorelei in October but their legacy inspires me to share my story in order to encourage others in their life story.  They sat wide eyed as I told my story.  The first tech shared with tears in her eyes that her daughter was born with a disability.  They struggle to find ways for her to figure out how to do things her way since she is unable to do them “normally”.  She said maybe she was supposed to hear my story today to encourage her in her walk with her daughter.  I told her those prompts of “déjà vu”, or whatever you want to call them, may be God’s way of connecting you to people who have a story to tell.  I encouraged her to ask.  I got the tattoo so people would ask and I could tell the story of my children, their legacy and how God has brought us through.

As I was walking to the car I was thinking about that God moment.  I had a smile on my face- the kind of dopey grin that you have when something big happens.  The tech was looking for a reason why she recognized me.  She was looking for what God was trying to show her.  But as I reflected, I realized I got more out of this encounter than she could have even imagined.  Do you remember what I had prayed for this morning?  I prayed for God to show up in this appointment.  I prayed for Him to be present and that I would feel His presence. God showed up.  I felt it.  I felt His peace as I sat in that room and heard the reassurance from the NP.  I felt His peace as I allowed myself to finally get excited and dream for this baby.  I felt his peace as He whispered “This is a new beginning, a whole new experience.   I’ve given you a fresh start” when I compared their policies with what I was used to.  He even thought to bring Lucas and Lorelei into this.  My babies were honored while this new one is being carefully watched over by new, capable doctors.  I asked God to show up.  I saw Him.