All The Marches

My mom is a journaler.  I have boxes and boxes of journals notating her faith journey.  I love the legacy it reveals.  The ups and downs of true faith.  I love that she has allowed me to read them- that takes humility!  I have become a journaler.  I want my kids to see my faith up close and personal like I see my mom’s.  Through journaling, we see patterns come to light.  Some patterns are good and some are not.  But we get to see what our faith does with those patterns.  Does our faith March forward, or does it get stuck in the mud?  


March 2014- I awoke one night to the sound of a seal barking coming from my son’s monitor.  Trey was one year old at that time.  I ran to his room and found him wheezing, coughing and struggling to breathe.  In my panic I called his father, who was in California on a business trip.  We quickly strategized a game plan.  I called the pediatrician’s emergency line.  They gave me instructions of how to help him but even doing those things didn’t seem to help so Trey and I loaded up to go to the ER.  Being in the ER by yourself with a one year old is terrifying.  All the decisions and trying to keep a one year old calm.  Just the thought of it brings my anxiety up. 


March 2015- Sweet nothing.


March 2016- Grief.  Starting October 2015, we experienced losing our twins at 20 weeks, my grandmother and my uncle.  March was still floating in a fog of grief.  One thing after another, we lost the ability to even cry.  We were numb.


March 2017- This year we had added a sweet little baby into the chaos.  She is our rainbow after the storm, as God promised Noah.  Don’t get me wrong- she is a blessing and the result of desperate prayer.  We were incredibly grateful that she was born full term and healthy.  But March 2017 was full of its own kind of crazy.  Juggling a toddler and a baby, a traveling husband, and going all the places that life demands- school, church, drs visits, MOPS, etc. 


March 2018- I had just put the kids to bed.  Halfway down the stairs, I stepped down and heard a loud “crack”!  In a split second, time slowed down and I realized I was going to fall down the stairs.  I tumbled and rolled and landed at the bottom of the stairs to discover my foot was facing the wrong way.  I was in excruciating pain like I had never experienced before.  Hubs was out of town so I had no choice but to call for Trey, age 5, to come help me.  Thankfully, he had not fallen asleep yet.  He got me my phone, pillows to prop my foot, a blanket because I was shaking and pulled up a chair to sit with me.  I called two friends- one to stay with the kids and one to help me get to the hospital.  I called my parents to keep me calm as I waited for my friends to arrive.  They called my in laws who packed up and drove through the night to stay with us while I recovered.  Thus began a long two month recovery.


March 2019- Addie, age 2, had suffered ear infection after ear infection.  She’s allergic to amoxicillin and she had been treated with every other antibiotic on the market.  Eventually, her body couldn’t take the antibiotics any longer and she developed CDIFF.  If you don’t know what CDIFF is, google it.  No don’t! You don’t want to know.  Take my word for it.  I’ll take the ear infections over CDIFF any day.  That was an absolute nightmare.  A year later and quick rush of panic still fills my heart with each dirty diaper. 


March 2020- Corona.  Need I say more?


March has not been kind to us.  I dread March.    Can you blame me?  Obviously, when I think of “March”, some major events stand out in my mind.  This is where journaling comes in.  Events stand out in your mind but the details are flushed out in your journal.  You see details of what got you through.  Most importantly, you see the fingerprints of God involved in every aspect of the event.  Those fingerprints are always there- but journaling helps you to intentionally look for God.  Lets go over those events again:


March 2014- Trey’s croup.  Looking back at the Event, I remember the fear and anxiety.  I remember the feeling of being alone.  My journal revealed the determination of not wanting to feel that way as a parent ever again.  I knew that God was with me.  But in those moments of fear, I needed to know specific aspects of his presence.  I got a tiny spiral bound notebook that I filled with scripture.  I kept it in Trey’s diaper bag so that I could be reminded of God’s presence and peace in times of uncertainty.


March 2015- sweet, sweet nothing.


March 2016- Grief.  So. Much. Grief.  I took my journaling up a notch here.  I started a blog.  I shared different aspects of our story of grief every Monday for a year.  I’ll never forget the events of grief that year.  But when I look back, I also remember how God was so present through it all.  Journaling helped me to see just how close He was. 


March 2017- Infancy.  If you’ve had a child, you know that all habits go out the window with an infant.  You are at their beck and call.  Your life revolves around their life.  But, overall, what I can attest to is gratitude.  Trey’s pregnancy and delivery was textbook perfect.  But with that perfection came such a difficult infancy stage.  My brain couldn’t understand why it was so hard when his pregnancy and delivery were so easy.  After losing the twins and a difficult pregnancy with Addie, infancy was a breeze.  I was just thankful she was in my arms and healthy.  Thankfully I don’t need a journal to remember the joy and gratitude that filled my heart at that time. 


March 2018- The Great Ankle Debacle, as I lovingly called it.  I’ve been known for my “joy hunts” on social media.  This is another form of journaling in that it helps you focus on gratitude- intentionally looking for the good.    I did a lot of “Great Ankle Debacle” posts on social media highlighting humor and ways that God was providing.  Posting them on social media helped me to intentionally look for the good that was all around me. 


March 2019-  To be honest, this one’s a blur.  I remember a lot of panic.  I remember calling in reinforcements and asking my mom to come help.  I remember everyone getting sick.  Kind of wish I had journaled somehow to keep me positive. 


March 2020- corona.  The past few months I have gotten into a habit of a bullet journal.  Each page has four sections: Today’s verse, Lord teach me to…, I’m thankful for…, and prayer requests.  Simple, easy bullet points.  Such a great resource.  Its also a quick reference to look back and see how God provided- or is currently providing.  


All the Marches.  As March approaches every year, the temptation is to cower in fear.  The temptation is to put my head in the sand, hunker down and hide.  But I also know that when March approaches, so does God.  Don’t get me wrong- God is always near.  But in March, I feel him near- step for step.  Psalm 145:18-19 says “The Lord is close to all who call on Him, yes, to all who call on Him in truth.  He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them.”   I can March in confidence that God will get me through each of these events. Because of God, I can March all over March.