This. This right here...


I’m the only coffee drinker in the house.  My coffee maker is AMAZING.  I spent far too much money on something that only serves one person in this house.  The coffee is best when you make an entire pot.  But an entire pot to one person is a lot.  So I make an entire pot and I reheat on the stove as needed.  This morning I discovered that I needed to make another pot.  So I got everything ready- tossed the old coffee grounds, put in a new filter, measured out 7 scoops of coffee grounds, cleaned up spilled coffee grounds (ugh- every time), turned on the coffee maker.  I grabbed a cup of water and dug in to my quiet time.  An hour later I go back to my coffee maker and grab the carafe--- IT’S EMPTY!  WHAT?!  Momentary panic!  Water.  I forgot to add water to the coffee maker.  My immediate thought was “and this is the indication of how my day will go…”  Whoops!  That’s the kind of thinking that will get me in trouble.  
God ganged up on me yesterday.  I say that sarcastically.  What He did was speak the truth in two different ways throughout the day.  I won’t say that I’m particularly bright but I have learned over the years that if a statement or theme gets repeated over and over, God is trying to get my attention.  This time I caught it at two- sometimes it takes a lot longer to catch on. 


I’m a planner.  I plan everything- and I enjoy it.  It gives me something to look forward to.  This is why I love holidays so much.  I love to plan all the details.  The food, the activities, what we will wear, who we will see- every detail.  We are currently in a season of no plans.  I’m going stir crazy.  I’ve got nothing to plan because we don’t know when life will be “normal”.  I know enough about myself that if I try to plan something and it gets delayed because of another Corona spike and quarantine it will wreck me.  So I have not allowed myself to plan. 


Yesterday morning I was reading in Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.  “Walk with Me in holy trust, responding to My initiatives rather than trying to make things fit your plans.  I died to set you free, and that includes freedom from compulsive planning.  When your mind spins with a multitude of thoughts, you cannot hear My voice.  A mind preoccupied with planning pays homage to the idol of control.  Turn from this idolatry back to Me.  Listen to Me and live abundantly!”  Compulsive planning.  “My name is Meghan and I’m a compulsive planner.”  And everyone responds- “hi, Meghan”. 


We just celebrated Easter.  Easter is a celebration of Jesus dying on the cross to save us from our sins.  He set us free from the sins that bind us.  I had never considered my “compulsive planning” to be a sin that limited my life.  I’ve always thought that planning adds joy to my life- the act of planning and then seeing my plans come to life. 


But the ugly side of my planning is that I’m constantly looking to the future- even if its just later in the afternoon.  I don’t live in the present at all.  I may be sitting, watching tv with my kids- but my mind is on what we are going to have for dinner or how are we going to survive til bedtime. 


On to God’s second lesson- for the past 6 months I have been making a lot of changes in regards to my health.  I’ve been working with a Health Coach.  This is much more than a “diet”.  This is changing my lifestyle.  Its changing the way I think, and therefore behave.  Yesterday I was listening to someone from the program speak about our “mindset”.  She was talking about having a “fixed mindset” vs. a “growth mindset”.  “Fixed mindset” looks at the world through victim eyes, “______ is happening to me”, and always looking for something bad to happen.  “Growth mindset” is open and curious.  Those that are in the “growth mindset” sees challenges as opportunities to learn and grow.  They look at the world as “things may happen but I control how I respond”.      


All of that spoke volumes to me but there was one statement that hit me right between the eyes.  “Its not about the past or the future--- its about right now”.  The speaker was talking about how in the “fixed mindset”, we focus on the past and all the horrible things that have happened to us. Or we focus on the future dreaming about all the good things that we are missing out on now.  But the “growth mindset” looks at right now- what are you learning right now?  What choices are you making in this moment that will get you to your goals? 


In this time of high stress and emotional reactions, its easy to dip into “survival mode”.  I’ve been there too many times to count.  I know my own personal signs.  The “this day has been hell, I’m going to eat whatever I want and deal with the consequences tomorrow”.  Fixed mindset.  “All this has happened to me and so I’m going to eat or drink.  I deserve it.”  Fixed mindset.  Yesterday I decided to make one decision at a time.  Not planning out my meals- because “compulsive planner”.  Treat each decision individually.  Yesterday was a challenge, as most days are, and unhealthy choices were calling to me.  But at each “meal” decision, I looked at that decision and that decision alone.  Choosing to live in the present moment.  I didn’t think of how that meal will get me closer to losing the final stubborn 10 pounds.  I looked at how that meal will serve me right now. 


At the end of the day, I usually get a call to the pantry.  That fixed mindset saying “today has been hard, treat yourself”.  Last night I had a bit of an epiphany.  All day I had planned on having a glass of wine.  But when I got to that moment of reaching for the wine, I thought about the day.  Emotions were high- as they are most days.  But here’s the question I asked myself- will the wine truly help me get through those emotions?  The day is already done.  The kids are in bed.  Essentially, I’m using wine to address emotions that are already over.  That doesn’t even make sense.  In this present moment, I’m not stressed.  Why am I using a bandaid on a wound that is no longer bleeding?


“And this is an indication of how my day will go…”  Stop it.  Stop.  I recognized my flawed thinking.  I put water in the coffee maker and reset it.  I poured another glass of water to drink while I wait- always trying to get enough water to serve me well during the day.  I set up my “writing station”.  The present moment- the kids are watching too much tv.  But they are playing and getting along.  I’m sitting close enough to hear them solve problems.  They are learning to play well together during this season when all they have is eachother.  I’m sitting close enough to add prompts to help them learn.  “Figure out how to play WITH eachother please”.  The present moment- I just finished my coffee as I completed a blog entry.  My spirit feels lighter.  I’ve processed emotions instead of putting a bandaid on them.  This.  This right here.  This right here is an indication of how my day will go. 

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