Emmanuel

As the band played the first couple chords of worship, I took a deep breath in preparation.  I recognized the song immediately.  Those first couple chords are like greeting a long lost friend.  Its not just my mouth that sang the words to the song- I felt it deep down in my soul.  So much hurt and yet so much celebration is attached to the song.  Inhale… Exhale…

“You give life.

You give love.

You bring light to the darkness.

You bring hope. 

You restore

Every heart that is broken.

Great are you Lord…”

My voice caught on the words and I was moved to tears.  My hand raised up as my soul cried out.  As I sang those familiar words, my mind traveled to a distant past.  In my mind’s eye I was transported to my backyard on a brisk November day.  With coffee in hand, I stood in the cold breeze singing those same words.  We had just lost the twins a month prior to this.  My heart was broken and I sang with hope that it would be restored.    

Fast forward: 8 long months later.  I’m in tears again as we sing the song in church.  This time, I’m pregnant again.  I’m familiar with a broken heart.  I’m familiar with hope.  Now I’m familiar with restoration.  In that church service I decided that the dedication of the child in my womb would include the song. 

Fast forward to July of 2017.  The dedication of our rainbow baby, Addison Grace.  Denny and our friend Travis lead us in worship as we sang the song.  My heart was bursting with love and my eyes were once again spilling over with tears.  Great are you Lord.  Truly, deeply, Great.  Inhale… Exhale…

Seeing as its Christmas season, the band made a few seasonal changes to the song.  Today they included pieces of “Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel”.  The significance of these two songs hit me right between the eyes.  This, right here, is Christmas. Emmanuel, God with us.  God WITH us.  God looked down on the Earth and saw brokenness.  He saw hope.  He saw desperate pleas for restoration. 

God could have done anything to save His people.  He’s God, after all.  But He chose to enter our world.  He chose to enter our pain.  To feel what we feel.  To heal with His physical touch.  To bring life when there was death.  To bring love when there was hate.  To bring light when there was nothing but darkness. 

2015 was the worst.  There was so much pain in our loss.  But there was also the INDESCRIBABLE presence of God, Emmanuel.  I have never felt his presence so profoundly and I haven’t since.  The chorus of that song says “It’s your breath in our lungs so we pour out our praise…to you only”.    I truly felt like my Emmanuel was breathing for me.  God was WITH me, every second.   I’m often asked how we got through the loss of the twins with our faith intact.  I was reading in my son’s devotional the other day and it quoted Luke 2:19, “Mary hid these things in her heart; she continued to think about them”.  Mary had seen some AMAZING things.  She saw God come to Earth in the form of a baby, HER baby.  Everytime I felt the presence of the Lord, I hid that moment in my heart.  I think of them all the time.  I think about that song every time I open my back door and am struck by the brisk winter air.  That’s Emmanuel.  That’s faith. 

The bridge of the song says “All the earth will shout your praise.  Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing.  Great are you Lord.”  Soon after losing the twins I sat in a bible study where we read Ezekiel 37, the valley of dry bones.  I read verse 5, “Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live”.  I remember leaning over to my mom and pointing to that verse.  I felt like God was speaking hope into my broken soul.  He will breathe for me for a season and I will live.  Two years later, I am breathing, I am living and I am praising.  Emmanuel, God with us. 

I remember the Christmas of 2015.  It was hard.  We all tried to pull together a Christmas celebration but none of us really wanted to celebrate.  We tried to do all the fun things for Trey.  But it was only surface joy.  We were still relying on Emmanuel to provide every breath for us.  That was the season we were in.  Our Emmanuel was there, being the breath in our lungs.  But you know what?  Christmas of 2016 was better, there was more celebration and more life (literally because I was very pregnant with Addie).  Christmas in 2017 has brought praise.  I have had such unfathomable joy in every part of Christmas this year.  The decorating, cookie baking, shopping, wrapping- so. Much. Joy.  Every once in a while it hits me- two years ago I was just focusing on breathing.  God has done so much in the last two years.  My heart is full of praise for what He has done and how far He has brought me.  I GET to enjoy the light in my son’s eyes when he discovers the crazy things his “elf” did while he was sleeping.  That is not something I take for granted. 

My son is fully immersed in Santa and elves.  We are having a blast with all things Christmas.  He told a friend today that “our elves do crazy stuff”.  But I’m also trying to teach him about the REAL reason for Christmas.  I don’t want him getting lost in all the Santa stuff and forget about Jesus.  This morning I asked him what was the real reason we celebrate Christmas.  To my surprise, he answered “Jesus’ birthday”!  He’s getting it.  Christmas isn’t about santa, elves, presents, friends or even family.  Christmas is a celebration of Jesus’ birth, Emmanuel.  God WITH us.