Preggo Shirt

One thing I am not thankful for this year is Etsy.  I have spent far too much of my husband’s hard earned cash on this website.  Too many things for Addie Grace and too many things for myself.  But I LOVE the shirt I got for Thanksgiving and because I spent so much money on it, I’m wearing it as much as I can.  The shirt is white with garnet writing that says “This is what I’m thankful for” in a pretty script over my belly.  Truer words have never been spoken.  I have truly spent this Thanksgiving season in a state of gratefulness.  How can you not when last year was so awful?  I wore my shirt to church on Sunday and enjoyed all the comments from the people as I passed by. I even got to share the twin’s story when I was asked “how many kids do you have?”  So much to be thankful for this year.

As I stood in my thanksgiving shirt I couldn’t help but tear up as we sang one of my favorite songs, Faithful To The End by Bethel Music. 

We're heaven-spun creations
His pride and adoration
Treasures woven by his love

His careful hands they hold us
Safe within His promise
Of calling and of destiny

I will sing of all You've done
I'll remember how far You carried me
From beginning until the end
You are faithful, faithful to the end

A Father's heart that's for me
A never ending story
Of love that's always chasing me

His kindness overwhelming
And hope for me unending

He's never given up on me

I will sing of all You've done
I'll remember how far You carried me
From beginning until the end
You are faithful, faithful to the end

There wasn't a day
That You weren't by my side
There wasn't a day
That You let me fall
All of my life
Your love has been true
All of my life
I will worship You

So much truth in these lyrics.  “I will sing of all you’ve done”.  This is what I have done this year.  I hesitated to share this because I didn’t want it to come out as “look at me!  Look at what I did!”  That is not my message at all.  I want God’s strength and power to be shown through my life.  It is HIS power that is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  As I look back on 2016, I don’t see the pain and grief, although I know it was there.  I remember the cloud that followed over my head for the greater part of the year.  But what I remember the most about 2016 is the peace and joy I experienced.  That only comes from the presence of God in my life.  Circumstances hit like endless waves.  We went through the death of the twins at the end of 2015 and 2016 began with the death of my grandma, followed by my uncle.  We bought a new house in November 2015 and the old house didn’t sell until August 2016.  We carried heavy loads of grief and strapped finances.  But God was faithful.  He was present. 

One of my favorite lyrics from this song is “I’ll remember how far you carried me.”  My mom and I have a tradition in which we pick a word for the year instead of making new year’s resolutions.  We both picked the same word this year: HELD.  We have responded to texts with just that one word throughout this year.  We have truly felt Held.  This lyric reflects that.  Not only was I held, I was carried.  Looking back, I don’t think my feet hit the ground, ever.  I think that is why I don’t remember the pain.  I was carried through it with strength that was not my own. 

“A Father's heart that's for me.  A never ending story of love that's always chasing me.”  I know I had low times.  I distinctly remember a fog.  Our human tendency when we face circumstances that our beyond our control- especially for a long period of time when the waves are crashing over and over and you can’t catch a breath- is to think that God has forgotten us.  Or worse- He is choosing to look the other way.  I love the reminder of this lyric.  Our heavenly Father’s heart is for us.  He is always chasing us, always pursuing.  God has blessed me with an earthly father who is that way too.  He gave me a way to relate to that statement and it is that picture of God that helped me to trust. 

My year of HELD is coming to a close.  As I reflect this Thanksgiving season, I see how God has carried me.  He has been faithful.  He has carried me and shown himself powerful in ways I could never imagine.  But my heart aches for those that are struggling right now.  I can easily get on my soapbox and preach about how God will restore and heal.  This week He has shown me that yes, I have a reason to praise.  But He also reminded me that I wasn’t always there.  There were moments of darkness and my closest friends sat with me in that- not preaching and telling me where I should be.  They sat and cried.  They ached when I ached.  God whispered to me this week and told me that I need to be that friend.  I need to be a reflection of that “Father’s heart”, reaching out to those He loves so dearly.  So this week as Thanksgiving draws near, I will be grateful for where I was last thanksgiving- for the pain and the darkness.  I will be grateful for the work God has done in showing His power- for bringing peace and joy into my pain and darkness.  Finally, I will reflect His heart for the hurting.