Gratitude


Yall.  I cried this morning.  What brought me to such a state?  The Walton’s Thanksgiving special.  WHAT?!  I can blame it on hormones.  But I know that’s not it.  I’ve been reflecting a lot these last few days.  Comparing last year to this year.  The difference is night and day.  Two different Halloweens.  Two different Thanksgivings.  Two different Christmases.  I saw a picture on facebook this morning that said “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life”.  How true that is!  I can’t help but have a heart full of gratitude- my life is FULL.

Last year we lost twins at 20 weeks.  This year, we celebrate the life of Miss Addie Grace.  I am 26 weeks along, celebrating every day we have with this sweet girl.  She is a dancer- CONSTANTLY moving.  Trey never kicked.  He just pushed against my ribs.  The twins were not very active- even with two of them.  Every once and a while I would feel a flutter but not often.  There is rarely a moment when I don’t feel Addie move.  Gratitude.

Last year Trey still wasn’t quite in to the holiday thing.  This year, he is LOVING it.  You should have seen his excitement as he ran down the street trying to catch up to the big kids trick or treating.  It was one of those moments where you want to pull out your camera but you know that a camera will not pick up the magic adequately.  I also reminded myself to just be in the moment and not behind a camera.  We have put up a thanksgiving tree where we add our handprints as leaves with something we are thankful for written on them.  Trey got so excited as we traced his hands for the leaves.  We’ve also started prepping for Christmas.  We found an empty box and wrapped it with Santa paper.  I explained to trey that we are going to go through his toys and fill the box with toys he doesn’t play with anymore.  We’re going to give them to Santa so he can give them to little boys that don’t have toys.  Then Santa will bring new toys for Trey.  Trey loved this idea.  He actually asked to go through his toys!  “We go through toys now?”  I love his enthusiasm for the holidays.  Gratitude.

Last year I was drained of all feeling.  I didn’t have any room in my heart for celebrating.  I remember having a panic attack getting into the car heading to celebrate Thanksgiving with family.  Normally I look forward to going to Michigan for Christmas.  Last year I dreaded it.  It took everything in me to force myself to go.  This year, I cannot wait to celebrate.  I’m getting into everything- and all at the same time.  I worked on Thanksgiving decorations yesterday while listening to Christmas music and loved every second of it.  I told Denny that I think I have double the holiday spirit because last year I had none.  Gratitude.

The scene in the Waltons that broke me was seeing John Boy surprising his family on Thanksgiving day.  They were all gathered around the tv watching him on the news, knowing that he wasn’t going to be home.  Little did they know he had snuck in the door and was watching the tv with them!  Holidays are about being with those that you love.  Last Halloween we had our memorial service for the twins.  It was a lovely service honoring their lives and those that were so helpful to us in that time in our lives.  But what meant the most to me this time last year was that my big brother came in from Michigan to attend the memorial.  We are not as close as I would like to be but Jason is always there for me in the time that I need him the most.  He walked into our house and immediately gave Trey a few matchbox cars, winning his nephew over.  To see him connect with Trey was something that warmed my struggling heart.  He participated in the memorial service, praying over us.  Having my brother with us as we celebrated the lives of our babies will be something that I will never forget.  I don’t think he even realizes how much that meant to me.  This year, I’m looking forward to him and the rest of my family coming for “Thanksmas” in a few weeks.  Gratitude.

As I said earlier, yesterday I was preparing Thanksgiving decorations for our “friendsgiving” dinner we have planned for Saturday.  I have never thrown such an event but this year it seems fitting.  These are the friends that picked up our pieces last year.  I’ve talked a lot about them so I won’t bore you with more details.  But if I am reflecting on the last year, they hold a big piece of that.  All of our kids are in school this year and are on different schedules so we don’t get to see eachother nearly enough.  So having a friendsgiving dinner seemed like the perfect opportunity.  I have loved putting every detail together for this dinner- except for the house cleaning.  Not into that and I’m procrastinating as we speak.  But these are also the friends that don’t care what your house looks like.  They have seen it spotless and they have seen it in shambles.  These are the friends you don’t have to clean for.  My house is my house but these friends are my home.  Gratitude.

This morning as I sat with my coffee crying over the Waltons family reunion, I looked around.  I saw my son’s playroom that was an atrocious mess.  I saw my kitchen table adorned with Thanksgiving decorations.  I saw a Christmas tree I put up months ago.  I saw the new Christmas tree in its box that we bought yesterday, just beckoning to be put up.  I reflected on our home last year.  In the midst of grief, we were in the middle of moving.  No time (or desire) to decorate for the holidays.  Our walls were bare.  We didn’t even have a Christmas tree because we got rid of it in the move.  It really was a pitiful sight.  But this year our house is decorated for Thanksgiving and my fingers are itching to get ahold of Christmas decorations.  Gratitude.

Gratitude.  Full hearts and a full lives.  I am tearfully bursting with gratitude as I look back.  We have celebrated Lucas and Lorelei and opened our hearts to the new life of Addie Grace.  We are full of holiday fun- living in the moment and finding joy in each discovery.  We are basking in all the emotions that we feel this year- the happiness, the sadness, the grief and the joy.  We are looking forward to the fullness of our house on friendsgiving- to the all the noise and chaos of having 15 little sets of feet running around.  We cannot wait to have our house full of family to celebrate Thanksmas (our tradition of Thanksgiving on Thursday and Christmas on Friday).  We are getting into the spirit of Christmas here, anxiously awaiting decorating every nook and cranny of this beautiful house we have been blessed with.  Full hearts.  Full lives.  Gratitude.

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