New Beginnings

In May of 2015 my husband and I went on a dream vacation to New Zealand.  This trip was better than our honeymoon.  We traveled all around the country and hit all the tourist hotspots.  New Zealand is absolutely beautiful.  I have never seen such lush, green countryside.  In our travels, one particular symbol seemed to pop up everywhere.  I remember seeing it on the side of a building and asked my husband what it was.  The symbol is called a Koru.  It was used by the natives of New Zealand, the Maori, to symbolize new life, growth, strength and peace.  Once I found out its meaning I got so excited.  That is what we came to New Zealand for: a new beginning. 

Our 10 year anniversary was coming up so we decided to celebrate with this trip.  But the truth is, we needed to get away.  We needed some rest.  We needed a break.   The past year had been tough because we were struggling with infertility.  We have a beautiful son but we still didn’t feel our family was complete.  We decided to take a break with trying and go on a trip, just the two of us.  That is why the Koru symbol meant so much to me.  We were desperate for new life- the life of a child, growth- for both the child and for us, strength to keep going and peace through it all.  Isaiah 43:19 says “See, I will do a new thing.  It will begin happening now.  Will you not know about it?  I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”

A month after we got home from New Zealand we found out I was pregnant.  I remember dropping to the floor in the kitchen, clutching that stick with the two pink lines, just sobbing.  That new life was beginning.  I remember my son coming around the corner with a puzzled look on his face because his mommy was sitting on the floor, crying.  I called him to me and asked if he wanted to be a big brother, to which he nodded.  I asked if he wanted a brother or a sister.  He said “sister”, echoing my deepest heart’s desire.  A couple months later, we found out that we were getting more than we bargained for- TWINS!

This pregnancy was different- even from the beginning.  I chalked up most of my complaints to the fact that this was a twin pregnancy and my last one was a single.  Of course there would be more discomfort, sleeplessness, and irritability- I’m creating two babies!  Every day I was counting down to find out the genders so we could finally name them.  That day came and we would finally be able to call them by their names- Lucas Frederic and Lorelei Joy.  Trey had the sister that he wanted and got a bonus brother!  We were thrilled!  Things went downhill quickly after that. 

On October 18^th, 2015 I woke up in a lot of pain.  It was a Sunday so I struggled to get myself and Trey ready for church.  Even though I was in pain, I wanted to go because at least Trey would be well taken care of for a few hours in child care and I could sit and rest.  I was in too much pain to stand during worship so I sat as we sang “It is well”.  The sermon that day was on “Why do bad things happen to good people”.  We would soon find out how fitting that was.  We got home and I crashed.  I started having fever symptoms so I called my doctor, thinking I had the flu.  She said that I should go to the hospital just to be safe. 

The Doctor examined me and wasn’t optimistic.  It appeared that Lucas’ amniotic sac had ruptured and I had an infection (due to the symptoms I had- fever, chills, etc).  We don’t know what came first- if the infection caused Lucas’ amniotic sac to rupture or the rupture caused the infection.  The worst part of it all was that the infection could lead to serious problems for me and they couldn’t medicate me because it would hurt the twins.  The only option was to deliver them in order to save my life- but at 20 weeks the twins would not survive.  As a mother, that is what nightmares are made of.  My children’s lives always come first.  Our prayer was that God would bring labor naturally because we didn’t think we could choose to end our children’s lives.

God answered our prayer and labor progressed naturally.  The twins were born on October 19^th- Lucas at 2:08pm and Lorelei at 4:03 pm.  Lucas was with us long enough to see his sister enter the world and then he quietly slipped into eternity.  Lorelei was with us for about an hour and then went to catch up with her brother in Heaven.  That was the hardest day of our lives.  It wasn’t exactly the new beginning that we expected.  But now that I’ve been on the other side of grief for a few months, I can see that we have experienced new life, growth, strength and peace.

We prayed for new life and God delivered.  He created two sweet babies.  Those babies were miracles.  When I drove to the hospital that fateful day I reflected on the lives that God created.  These babies had a story- a story of answered prayer and provision.  Even in their death they have a story.  The more I tell their story, the more healing I find.  The more I tell their story, the more healing is brought to others who have faced similar loss.  The new life I sought was inspired by the lives we lost.  God has given me a new passion, a new drive to share my story and help others.

We prayed for growth.  Sometimes there are growing pains when you grow.  This has not been an easy process.  But I was determined to not let this crush me.  I discovered that I had more strength than I knew.  Of course it was God’s strength that kicked in when I felt depleted.  I found peace in the fact that God has a plan.  He knows our beginning and our end.  He has a purpose.  I hated losing my children but I have to let their lives inspire me to grow.  If I choose to be inspired and passionate and driven in this new life I receive God’s peace that he has not wasted my pain.  Every tear is spent in investing in someone else’s life, inspiring new life in them. 

We were given a lot of gifts to honor our children.  One of the gifts I was given was a heart necklace.  It has footprints on it and says “It was then that I carried you” (in reference to the poem entitled “Footprints in the Sand” by Mary Stevenson).  I received it two weeks after losing the twins, put it on and I haven’t taken it off.  I know that at some point I will need to take it off as part of my healing process.  Its hard to think of it not being there.  It’s a symbol of my life, where I have been.  But taking it off is not symbolic of moving ON, it’s a symbol of moving FORWARD.  Writing this also reminded me that I bought myself a necklace when I was in New Zealand.  The pendant has a tree on it.  Each branch is a Koru.  I wore that necklace everyday until we found out I was pregnant.  It was my reminder to strive for new beginnings. We may have been trying for a long time but we were refreshed in New Zealand.  We came home confident that God was doing something new. Perhaps it is time to take off my footprint necklace and bring out my Koru necklace once again.  Perhaps it is time to move forward.  Perhaps it is time to open our hearts once again to new beginnings.