Passion and Glasses

Any fellow glasses wearers out there?  Yep, I’ve got four eyes. I have contacts but lately I’ve just been wearing my glasses everyday.  On Wednesday I was sitting in small group as our discussion was starting and I noticed my glasses were dirty.  I breathed on them and rubbed them clean on my shirt and placed them back on the bridge of my nose.  But they weren’t clean.  It was like a film was over my eyes.  I kept cleaning them.  I think I cleaned them four times and still could not get them fully clear.  What I noticed was that when I looked straight ahead, I saw that film and when I looked out my peripheral vision, the colors were much brighter.  I even tried to take my glasses off completely to see those bright colors but my vision is naturally blurry, hence the need for glasses.  As all this was going on the discussion on passion was starting.  I felt God whisper to pay attention because what we were discussing and my observations of my eyes are connected. 

Our small group leader, Mckeva, asked us to define our passion.  I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this lately.  As a stay at home mom, I have a lot of time to think.  I have a passion for my family.  But God has also given me a desire to minister to others.    That has taken all different shapes and forms throughout my life.  I had a passion for serving in the middle school ministry for a long time.  When I had my son, God shifted my passion to women’s ministries.  I love talking to women about the Lord.  I love hearing their stories.  I love telling mine.  I love encouraging them in their faith.  Nothing gives me greater joy. 

I’m in a season of not only defining my passion but what that means.  So I have this desire to encourage women in their faith- what do I do with that?  The first thing is exactly this: blog. I have dreamt of doing this for years.  I even have articles I wrote years ago but never posted.  I have always desired to write.  Losing the twins finally gave me the inspiration to get started.  I felt like I finally had something big enough to say as if that experience gave me more credibility.  Nobody wants to hear about faith from the girl who grew up in a Pastor’s family and never had her faith truly tested.  I’m taking my first step.  I’m writing. 

If I’m honest, my deepest desire is to speak.  My mom, whom I look up to more than anyone in this world, is a speaker at women’s conferences.  I have grown up going to conferences with her, watching her every move.  I’ve watched her interact lovingly with guests, listening intently to their stories and guiding them with godly wisdom.  I have been behind the scenes praying.  I have loved being her assistant- running powerpoint, getting coffee, encouraging her when satan is trying to pull her down and lots and lots of praying.  Ever since I was little I have dreamt of speaking like my mom. 

What does this have to do with my dirty glasses?  I see my dream of writing and speaking as looking through my dirty, filmy glasses.  Speaking is far off in the distance (Lord willing) and the details of how and when are blurry.  The bright colors of my peripheral vision are the things in the here and now.  What grabs my attention now?  The toddler tantrums and messes, the dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry that has been sitting folded on the dining room table for a week and needs to be put away.  These are screaming for my attention whereas my passion is sitting quietly so far in the distance its hard to stay motivated.  Don’t get me wrong- these things in my peripheral vision are not bad things.  They are things that need to get done.  However, I’m learning that they cannot be an excuse to not work on my dream. 

For years I have ignored my passion and focused on the here and now.  For years I have denied my passion by giving in to fears and insecurities.  I never thought I had anything of worth to say.  I was afraid that no one would read my blog if I started one.  I see how mom prepares for weekend retreats and I doubted that I could prepare and study like that. 

I have to make a choice in this.  I have to choose to believe that God has planted this dream in me.  I’m not doing this to call attention to myself.  It’s not a selfish ambition.  This is God-breathed.  He has shown me that the greatest moments in my life are those that I am used by him.  I have to choose to believe the truth:

1.       This is God’s desire for me. The apostle Paul talks a lot about his calling and how his purpose is to be used by God to draw others to Him.  I Corinthians 9:22 says “When I am with those who are weak, I share their weaknesses, for I want to bring the weak to Christ.  Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some.  I do everything to spread the Good News and share it its blessings.”  I know that God has a plan in my pain.  He does not waste anything.  Already I have had people say how much they have appreciated how honest and raw I have been in my pain.  Each time I share my story, share my weaknesses, God gets the glory.

2.       I may feel unqualified, but God is not.  2 Corinthians 3:4-5 says “We are confident of all this because of our great trust in God through Christ.  It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own.  Our qualification comes from God.”

3.       He can use my weaknesses to showcase his power.  2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is all you need.  My power works best in weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”

 And with that being said… I’m gonna go clean my glasses.