Anti-Mother's Day

We’ve had a few rough nights in the Jorgensen household lately.  My husband is a pilot so he’s gone a few nights out of the week.  That leaves me outnumbered with two kids- one who physically needs me for everything (3 months old) and another who thinks he does (4 years old).  To say I’m stretched thin is an understatement.  Yesterday was one such stressful day on my own and I broke.  I put my non-napping daughter down asleep and she woke 30 minutes later.  I went and got her, came back into the family room and it was trashed.  The mess all of a sudden was just too much to handle.  I told my 4 year old that he needs to clean up his mess.  He, of course, starts pouting and throwing a fit.  I told him that if he didn’t start picking up his toys, I would do it.  He knows that if mommy puts his toys away, they are mine until the next day.  Trey ended up losing a few of his favorite toys.  The yelling and pouting was impressive.  Sad to say that that behavior wasn’t all coming from the 4 year old.  In the aftermath I did apologize to Trey, asking for forgiveness which is the most humbling thing you could ever have to do.  Addie was a handful last night so bedtime with Trey was rushed.  I didn’t get to spend the usual time talking and praying with him. Nights like this are unsettling.  I go to bed with a restlessness in my spirit like my night was incomplete.  On the eve of Mother’s Day, I have to admit that I wasn’t excited to be celebrated.  I didn’t feel like I deserved to be honored.

I have been wrestling with feelings of inadequacy for quite some time now.  I just feel like I have been a terrible wife, mother and friend.  The kids take all of my time and energy.  I’m exhausted all the time.  My temper is short.  If I have a moment to relax, there is always something I “should” be doing.  The house is trashed- I can barely keep up with dishes and laundry, much less actually cleaning the house.  Trey is behind on his letters and writing in school and we have recently added speech therapy to our list of responsibilities.  So he’s 4 years old and has “homework” already.  I never have the energy to get that done.  I feel guilty and stress that he hasn’t even started preschool and is already so far behind. 

A few months ago there was a sermon on inadequacy.  It was noted as a positive thing because it helps you to see your true position in relationship to God.  All too often we have attitudes that we can do everything ourselves, that we don’t need God.  Maybe that’s where I have been.  Maybe God has needed to show me that I can’t handle things on my own and that I have gone too long trying to do so.  One of my favorite verses is 2 Chronicles 7:14 “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land”.  I am in need of healing.  I honestly haven’t made much of an effort to call on His name lately.  Time with God takes time- time that I don’t put effort into finding.  If I have a moment, I want to just sit and do nothing.  Silence doesn’t exist in this house.  There is always something snatching my attention. 

Another passage that has been used multiple times at church lately is Psalm 127 which reads:

                “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who built it labor in vain. 

                Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

                It is vain that you rise up early and go to bed late to rest,

                Eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep.

                Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

                Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.

                Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!

                He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies at the gate.”

“Unless the Lord”.  That phrase keeps standing out to me.  That’s the source of my inadequacy.  I have been building, rising up early, and filled with anxiety in vain.  “Unless the Lord”. For weeks I have been mulling over this passage, trying to figure out the connection between the first four lines and the last four lines.  It seemed like two separate subjects.  But here’s the connection I see: He is the source of all my blessings.  I wouldn’t have my wonderful husband and four beautiful kids without Him.  But yet I struggle to do life without Him.  “Unless the Lord”.

I woke up this morning with that familiar feeling of inadequacy, not looking forward to hearing the “Happy Mother’s Day” greetings over and over.  Our church usually makes a big deal out of Mother’s Day.  I didn’t really want to go.  But as I struggled to get ready, I thought about how this Mother’s Day doesn’t need to be about me.  I can use it to celebrate the little blessings that made me a mom and the lessons they have taught me. 

To Trey: my firstborn.  We butt heads at times.  I learned the importance of the phrase “pick your battles” from you.  Sometimes I choose wisely and sometimes I don’t.  We use the phrases “watch your attitude” or “choose a better attitude” daily.  Last night I was convicted that those phrases are more for me, little one.  I haven’t done a good job modeling those choices.  Thank you for forgiving me when I lose my temper.   Thank you for the sweet hugs when I’m having a rough day.  Hearing you tell everyone “Happy Mother’s Day”, unprompted, at church today was such a blessing to me. 

To Lucas and Lorelei:  We didn’t have much time with you but you continue to inspire me.  You are my little arrows.  This year I was able to tell your story to two MOPS groups.  Your lives were an encouragement to those in their darkest hours, letting them see the Hope that can be found in Jesus’ arms.  Your story allowed my dream of public speaking to come true. I think of you often.  Your sister has a mark on her forehead in the shape of an angel.  I often kiss that spot- sending the kisses I long to give you, my little angels. 

To Addie: my little rainbow.  You have taught me that every moment is precious.  I have often neglected things that I need to do in order to just sit and hold you as you sleep.  I love to watch you smile and sometimes even laugh in your sleep.  A few days ago I watched you sleep in your crib and thought “how is this my life?  How have I been given the honor of being your mom?”  Every smile and coo melts me and helps me to stay planted in the moment that I am in.

It is often said that God gives us the children that we have because there is something in us that they need.  Only I can be the mother of Trey, Lucas, Lorelei and Addie.  But today I choose to celebrate the fact that there is something in each of my children that I need.  There are lessons that cannot be learned without my kids.  So I will march on in this crazy life of motherhood, restoring the proper place for “Unless the Lord” so that my building and early rising isn’t in vain.