I saw Him
I’m much more anxious with this pregnancy than I thought I
would be. We knew we wanted another
child. We were trying so none of this is
a surprise. I have talked to other women
who lost children and then went on to have more. Every fear that I have is valid. Every one has been felt by any woman who has
lost a child. I almost feel like I’ve been holding my breath, waiting for
something bad to happen. Knowing the
last six months, you can’t really blame me.
Today I had my first doctor’s appointment, with a new
OB. This morning I prayed over the
appointment. I journaled all of my fears
and I combatted each one with truth. I
was afraid of not seeing anything on the ultrasound. The truth of the matter was that it is really
early to see anything so an unclear ultrasound was a possibility. That would just mean I would have to wait a
couple more weeks for the baby to develop enough to be seen. That’s not the worst thing that I could face
so its doable. I was afraid of seeing
twins on the monitor. The fact that I
had complications with Lucas and Lorelei put me at a higher risk for the same
thing to happen again if I were to be pregnant with multiples. But the truth is, if I am pregnant with twins,
these twins were conceived naturally.
Lucas and Lorelei were conceived with clomid after a year of
infertility. We got pregnant right away
with this baby and without the help of medication. I felt a peace that this baby has a better
start already. I was afraid of going to this appointment by myself. But the truth is, I have done a lot of things
by myself. The day I lost the twins, I
went to the hospital by myself so Denny could stay with Trey. I heard the news that the kids would not
live, by myself. I survived. I can do it
again if that is the Lord’s will. As I
prayed, I begged God, “I need to see you at this appointment. I need you present and I need to feel your
presence”.
I arrived at the OB and was ushered into a room. The nurse was so nice and really made me feel
comfortable. Then the time came for the
ultrasound so she gave me the gown to change into. Yall.
Its an actual gown. Not a paper
crop top with wide open arms that really covers nothing. I know this may be a silly thing to be
excited about but ask any woman, they will agree with me. I was thrilled, making me feel even more
comfortable with our choice of new OB. I
even commented on it to the NP and she explained that they have male staff so
they wanted to make sure we were not uncomfortable around them. What?!
My last OB had male doctors.
Never once did they question that.
They would even make me sit there in paper while discussing all the
details of my upcoming pregnancy. I
hated it.
The nurse practitioner explained where I would be delivering
and asked if I would like to breast feed the baby. I told her that it never worked with Trey so
I would love to try this time. She
explained that hospital policy is for the baby to be placed on the mother, skin
to skin, right after birth for a minimum of one hour. They won’t even do the baby’s measurements
until that skin to skin contact has been made for an hour. They have found that this builds the bond
between mother and baby and will actually help the baby to latch. I told the NP that I had heard of that but it
was never even brought up as an option when I had Trey. She said “well was he in the NICU or
something?” I said no, he was right
beside me in the bassinet all the time.
She shook her head and said that’s not how we do things. I laughed and said I feel like this is a
whole different experience. I’ve been
pregnant before but they do things so differently. Its refreshing, like we have a fresh
start. God is already giving us a fresh
start. That’s what Noah’s rainbow was:
it was a fresh start after devastation.
We did the ultrasound and we saw the baby. There isn’t a lot to see at 6 weeks but we
saw what we need to see. The baby is
alive and thriving. I even saw
flickering of “cardiac activity”. I
began to breathe easier. The NP
gave me the pregnancy paperwork and information about their practice. Since I am a new patient, I haven’t decided
on a doctor in the practice. She showed
me all the doctors they have to choose from and said “based on your personality
and what you have been through, I recommend these doctors…” and she starred
them. That’s not your run of the mill, “all
our doctors are great” pat answer. I
really appreciated that. I felt heard
and validated based on the fact that she wanted to match me with a doctor that
would make me feel comfortable and at ease.
I’m going to like it here.
The NP felt so confident with what she saw on the Ultrasound
that she recommended that I go ahead and get all the bloodwork today. So I went down to the lab to get that
done. I got called back to the room and I
immediately warned the technician that I have terrible veins. She nodded and asked who drew my blood last
time. I told her it wasn’t here and she
was shocked. She said surely I have seen
you before. I explained that I had just
moved here so that wasn’t possible. She
got me set up to take blood from my left arm.
I held my arm out and heard a gasp from the tech. I said “what?” She said “I’ve seen your tattoo before. I swear I’ve drawn your blood before.” I assured her she had not. Then she continued to tell me that about once
a week she gets this feeling from patients.
She feels like God is trying to tell her something but she can’t figure
it out. She called in another tech
because she had shared this feeling with her.
The other tech said “so what do you need to learn?” and then she turned to me and said “what does
your tattoo mean?” I went on to explain
that when I was 3 months pregnant with the twins I was told by a stranger that
my twins were arrows in the Lord’s quiver and that they will be sure, direct
and accurate for whatever purpose the Lord designs for them. I explained that we lost Lucas and Lorelei in
October but their legacy inspires me to share my story in order to encourage
others in their life story. They sat
wide eyed as I told my story. The first
tech shared with tears in her eyes that her daughter was born with a
disability. They struggle to find ways
for her to figure out how to do things her way since she is unable to do them “normally”. She said maybe she was supposed to hear my
story today to encourage her in her walk with her daughter. I told her those prompts of “déjà vu”, or
whatever you want to call them, may be God’s way of connecting you to people
who have a story to tell. I encouraged
her to ask. I got the tattoo so people
would ask and I could tell the story of my children, their legacy and how God
has brought us through.
As I was walking to the car I was thinking about that God
moment. I had a smile on my face- the
kind of dopey grin that you have when something big happens. The tech was looking for a reason why she
recognized me. She was looking for what God
was trying to show her. But as I
reflected, I realized I got more out of this encounter than she could have even
imagined. Do you remember what I had
prayed for this morning? I prayed for
God to show up in this appointment. I
prayed for Him to be present and that I would feel His presence. God showed
up. I felt it. I felt His peace as I sat in that room and
heard the reassurance from the NP. I
felt His peace as I allowed myself to finally get excited and dream for this
baby. I felt his peace as He whispered “This
is a new beginning, a whole new experience.
I’ve given you a fresh start” when I compared their policies with what I
was used to. He even thought to bring
Lucas and Lorelei into this. My babies
were honored while this new one is being carefully watched over by new, capable
doctors. I asked God to show up. I saw Him.
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