Method to our Madness

We made our announcement last week about baby #4 on its way.  We’ve gotten a lot of texts and messages congratulating us.  Lots of messages letting us know the prayers that have been said on our behalf and prayers that will continue.  We are incredibly grateful for that.  I’ve also gotten some shocked looks when I say we literally just found out last Sunday.  I know what those shocked looks are for.  Many think we announced way too soon.  The accepted practice is to announce after you get the ultrasound picture or after 3 months “when its safe”.  We lost twins at 20 weeks, way past the “safe” zone.  There are a few reasons that we decided to announce so quickly.

First, writing has been healing for me.  It has helped me get through the ups and downs of grief.  It has been my mode of transportation in this journey- the peaks and valleys, celebration and sorrow.  I have been brutally honest.  It only makes sense that I would open up about this new journey we are on.  I’m sure this path will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys.  I felt like keeping this secret would block my writing.  Its like trying to block an emotion from coming out.  That energy needs to be released and writing is my way of keeping my soul open and healthy.

Second, when we lost the twins, we learned how important it is to have support.  When I had Trey I didn’t have mom-friends. I worked hard to find those and invest in relationships.  When we lost the twins we saw people come out of the woodwork to support us.  That’s how we survived.  We never felt alone.  So as we begin this new journey, we want people involved from the beginning.  There have been friends and family who have been praying for us all along.  Its only right that they are let in on this news right away.  They need to know how their prayers have been answered and new ways that they can pray specifically. 

The third and biggest reason is celebration.  I went searching on Pinterest for articles about rainbow babies.  There are lots of articles about pregnancy after infant loss.  Let me tell you, there are a lot of downers out there.  Lots of depressing information.  One even listed all the things they won’t do with a new pregnancy.  They won’t announce the pregnancy on social media, have a baby shower, decorate a nursery, take “baby bump” pictures.  How is that living?    I can’t imagine living as if there wasn’t a baby growing inside of me.  I was so in tune with my pregnancy with Trey that I learned important elements of his personality from the womb.  He was very clear about his stubbornness and propensity for pushing boundaries early on.  I loved getting to know him that way.  I don’t want to not acknowledge this child for fear of losing him or her.  I want to celebrate every milestone.  I want to celebrate every symptom.  I look forward to the morning sickness and growing big enough to have to wear maternity clothes because that means I have a living child in me. 

That being said, after facing a loss it is difficult to celebrate, if I’m being honest.  I want so badly to celebrate but it is a conscious choice.  It is not coming easily.  I’m terrified.  I’m paranoid and hypersensitive to every stomach ache or cramp.  I’ve been highly emotional.  But I have to choose to let myself dream for this child.  I have to choose to search pinterest for baby things again.  I have to choose to smile.  I have to choose to open myself up again to new possibilities.

The author of “Why I don’t keep pregnancy a secret even after loss” said,  “I’m going to dream and be joyful and let myself get excited because life is always beautiful, no matter its length.”  That is how I want to live this life.  A life is a life, no matter the length.   There were days that we celebrated the twins- their funeral and their due date come to mind.  Those were days that would normally be sad days but we chose to celebrate and honor them.  I look back on those days with joyful, positive memories despite the pain.  I want my pregnancy to be that, no matter what.  I’d rather open myself up and enjoy the milestones, celebrating each one rather than just getting through it.