Raw

I have struggled to even write this piece.  I got the idea the other day and have avoided my computer like the plague.  I kept telling myself its too raw, too honest.  I’m an open book but there are some things that are just too close for comfort.  But I also know that God gives me the ideas to write and writing on that topic is the only thing that will flow from my fingers.  Writing is an act of obedience.  If I don’t want to write, I know I need to because it is what God has called me to do.  I also know that if I don’t want to write, there is something that will come out of it whether it is personal healing or someone else needs to hear it.

A few days ago the hubs accidentally locked his keys in his car so I was dropping off his spare key.  As I pulled up to the parking lot I tried to call Denny.  My phone wouldn’t make outgoing calls.  I was mad.  Thankfully a text to denny would go through so I sent that to let him know to call me.  When I gave him my key, I went to set up my GPS on my phone to get me back home.  Not working.  Now I was livid.  Not proud of this next part but I’m being raw and honest so here it is- I threw my phone and let a few choice words erupt from my mouth.  All I wanted to do was get home and I couldn’t get GPS and I couldn’t call Denny to let him know I didn’t know how to get home. 

This may seem like a ridiculous overreaction to a simple technical difficulty.  This incident is just an overflow of a true heart matter… I am angry.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat.    I’m angry at how life has gone the last six months.  I’m angry I lost my babies.  I’m angry I lost my grandma and uncle.  I’m angry that we haven’t sold our house yet.  I’m angry at all the things that I don’t have control over. 

I’m angry that I feel angry.  I’m angry at how much energy is spent on emotions lately.  This level of anger is exhausting.   I just want to function normally. I want to have energy to make healthy meals for my family.  I want to have the energy to take care of myself and work out.  I just don’t have it in me. 

Anger is a phase of grief.  The phases are fluid, they come and go.  You don’t complete levels of grief like a video game.  There are days that I reach acceptance and then there are days that I go back to shock and denial.  Lately I have been angry- not just over loss but life in general.

Anger like this can be dangerous.  Often people blame God.  They say things like “Why do you allow things like this to happen?”  They say “What did I do so wrong to deserve this?”  Or “How can you possibly be a loving God if this is how you show love?”  Questions like this can push you so far over the edge there is no recovery.     

The beauty of my loving God is that he is familiar with our emotions, he created them, after all.  Ecclesiastes 1:9 says “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”    God has seen our emotions time and time again.  My raw emotion may shock you, but it sure doesn’t shock him.

One of the most comforting things that appears in scripture is David’s cries out to God in Psalms.  If you haven’t read through them recently, go for it.  Verse after verse, he cries out in desperation to God.  He asks “why” all the time.  Imagine the emotion he has behind “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?  Why are you so far away when I groan for help?  Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.  Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief (psalm 22:1-2)”.   There are times when David is so raw and honest that it seems disrespectful.  It’s like when you see a kid mouth off to their mom- when you see the burning flame of anger in her eyes in response to the disrespect that has come out of her child’s mouth.  You can’t help but utter the words, “oh he’s gonna get it”.  But what does God do?  He rescues.  He loves.  He even calls David “a man after God’s own heart”.  Whoa.  That gives me comfort that if I spout out in anger, I won’t be met with God’s anger. 

For months I have laughed off every struggle.  One more shoe drops and I say “what’s one more?”.   My sense of humor was denial at what was really happening, at the hurt under the surface.    The other night when I screamed those choice words and threw my phone I felt a release.  I felt real emotion that I had blocked off for a long time.  I was also very stubborn because I couldn’t get my Pandora music to play on my phone so I spent the ride home in silence.  Its times like these when I think God planned that.  He made whatever was wrong with my phone happen so I could spend some time crying out to him.  He forced my hand and made me feel real emotion.  I truly believe that God honors true emotion, even if it takes the form of anger at him.  At least it is real.  At least it is genuine. 

I used to work with teenagers, counseling them and their parents.  The parents would come to me concerned because their teen kept yelling at them and telling them that they hate them.  I would respond “good”.  Yes, its hurtful and dysfunctional.  But they are communicating.  You need only worry when there is silence.  Silence is dangerous.  I have been silent with God lately, letting my anger/grief infused fatigue dictate how I spend my time.  I didn’t want to talk to him, even to say I was mad.  Hence, not wanting to write this blog.  But God knew.   He planted the idea in my head, knowing I would choose to obey and write.  He knew writing would force me to face my anger.  He knew.  This is his way of loving me back to him.