Music

Music is powerful.  It can fill you with joy.  It can fill you with hope.  It can be motivating for exercising or cleaning (have you ever listened to Motown music while cleaning?  Life changing.)  Its perfect for when you feel like sitting in sadness or anger and it also has the power to lift you out. It can send you back to a simpler time.  Isn’t it funny how music can trigger memories?  My dad can tell you the year a song came out AND what he was doing when he heard it the first time (i.e. 1966, eating ice cream on the streets of Cupertino California).  This was a weekend of musical triggers.

On Friday night I was scrolling through facebook and a video popped up that looked intriguing.  I started watching it and was struck immediately by the first couple chords of the song playing in the background.  I knew the song but couldn’t place it.  It was partnered with a video about a couple who had multiple failed attempts at fertility treatments.  Over and over the word “FAILED” popped up on the screen.  But the song sang “Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you.  Through it all, through it all, it is well.”  It was haunting.  Denny walked into the room and said that song was played at church on the day that we lost the twins.  Boom.  That was it…and I couldn’t bear to watch the rest.  I didn’t want to hear any more of that song.  I wanted so badly to see the good news at the end of the video but I couldn’t see “FAILED” one more time.  I couldn’t face it because we have been there.  We have felt the sting of failed pregnancy tests. 

But we have also felt the presence of our good, good Father, drawing us deeper and deeper into his love.  “Good, Good Father” is another song that has played over and over again this weekend.  I know I’ve written about this one before but my sister called my attention to this a few days ago.  She was reflecting on the word “good” over Easter.  We call the Friday that Jesus died “Good Friday”. Have you ever thought about how silly that sounds? That was the day our Savior died and we celebrate it as good.  Why is it good?  Because it has a greater purpose.  Jesus had to die for us to live.  Loss isn’t easy.  But if we can find purpose in it, we can ultimately see God’s goodness in it.

My kids have songs that were meaningful to us while I was pregnant with them.  One of Trey’s is “Our God” by Hillsong.  I ended a prayer walk around our house with listening to this song.  I was praying over the infertility that runs in our family.  The chorus that meant so much to me was “Our God is greater.  Our God is stronger.  God you are higher than any other.  Our God is healer.  Awesome in power, Our God, Our God.”  This battle was God’s, not ours.  He is or Fortress God who can break down any and all walls that stand in His way.  I found out I was pregnant with Trey a few days after that prayer walk.  When we planned a dedication service for Trey, this was one of the songs we sang.

One of the songs we chose for the twins was “Ever Be” by Kalley Heiligenthal. It talks about how God’s love is devoted, enduring, and faithful.  The chorus repeats “Your praise will ever be on my lips”.  When I was pregnant, I looked forward to using this as one of the songs for the twin’s dedication.  It turns out its an even better song for a memorial.  This song echoed my heart’s cry.  I remember sitting in the front row of the memorial service, choking up as we started to sing this song.  But my voice got stronger and stronger as the song went on because this is what I wanted to do.  No matter what, I wanted His praise to ever be on my lips.  It was nice to hear “Ever Be” on the radio on the way home from church today. 

I feel like God has taken me full circle this weekend.  He had me revisit the pain through “It is well”.  He also helped me celebrate his goodness through “Good, Good Father”.  He had me reflect on the journey with “Ever Be”.  Looking back I think we have done what we set out to do- praise Him no matter what.  “It is well” came on the radio on the way home from church today as well.  After reflecting on all these songs, I was able to listen to the song all the way through. 

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
And through it all, through it all
It is well

And through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You

And through it all, through it all
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name (repeat last line during 3rd run)

It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well with my soul
It is well it is well with my soul x3

When I was looking for the lyrics of this song I stumbled across the background story behind this song.  The artist, Kristene DiMarco, explained the struggles she was having when she wrote it.  She talked about how she learned to “not despise my need of Him” because its only when we are uncomfortable that we truly need God.  When we face difficult times, and learn to need Him and trust Him, our faith grows.  So when new struggles arise, we can look back on what God has already done with confidence that God has it in his hands.  She spoke about the bridge that says “let go my soul and trust in Him.  The waves and wind still know His name.”  I love the idea that the wind and waves that toss us and keep us from getting a breath KNOW HIS NAME.  In Matthew we are told about Jesus calming a storm.  Verse 27 says “The men were amazed and asked, ‘what kind of man is this? Even the winds and waves obey him.’” 

Kristene says that “everything we face has already tasted some level of defeat”.  I love that.  What peace is in that sentence?  The difficulties we face have already tasted defeat because they KNOW HIS NAME.  That is MY God.  I can feel excitement bubbling up within me.  I have survived this loss.  But loss KNOWS HIS NAME.  I have wrestled with fear and doubt.  But fear and doubt KNOWS HIS NAME.  The only power it has is what I give it.  I refuse to give it power because all power belongs to MY God.  It IS well with my soul.