"D Day" stands for "Due Date"

Today is the twin’s due date, or what I have lovingly called “D-Day”.  It’s a day of mixed emotions.  This is a date I have looked forward to and dreaded.  Its funny how our emotions can play tricks on us.  How one moment we can be happy and another moment we can feel devastated.  This day is one of those days that are full of complexities. 

I look forward to it for closure.  Of course even in the beginning we didn’t really know when they would come.  A due date is just a guess.  Chances are if I had carried the twins to term they still would have been born weeks ago because twins typically come early.  But I still had this day set aside in my mind as the end.  A day to look at what could have been.

I was told early on that this could be a difficult day.  For that reason we made plans for today.  We were given a memorial stone for our new backyard by Denny’s aunt.  Such a precious gift.  We have saved it for today.  I asked our friend who has done all of our family pictures to come over and help us document this day.  I’ve looked forward to this and the pictures that she will capture of our family of five.  I also decided to have a huge dinner party.  We are doing this in an unusual way.  I decided that we are going to honor the twins with the two strongest cravings I had during their pregnancy- roast beef and mint chocolate chip ice cream.  So we are having a roast beef dinner with all the fixings and mint chocolate chip ice cream for dessert.  I thought it would have a deeper meaning to have friends and family have the same dinner in their homes so we can celebrate together, miles apart.  So my parents in Michigan are getting together with my two friends from high school for roast beef.  My inlaws and brother and sister in law are throwing their own parties.  My best friends here in Georgia are all having their own roast beef dinners with their families.  I even mailed table decorations and favors to my parents, inlaws and brother and sister so their tables can look similar to mine.  This all may sound silly but I love to plan parties.  This gave me something to look forward to.  It brought me joy.

I also dread this day.  I dread it because of the unknown.  I dread the tears.  What will happen if my eyes are all red and bloodshot in the pictures I looked forward to taking?  What if I’m a blubbery mess at the special dinner I planned?  We’ll see what happens.  

Ultimately this is a day of reflection.  In preparation of this day I asked for my dad’s notes from his memorial message.  Reading his notes reminded me of the meaning of their names.  Lucas means “bringer of light”.  The verse Dad shared was Matthew 5:16 which reads, “Let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to God in heaven.”  That has been one of my inspirations since losing him.  Yes, we have been through tragedy but that doesn’t mean I have to stay there.  God has given me an opportunity to show His light to the world.  Just last week my mom texted and said that dad read part of my blog in a message.  She said that my experience is being used to reach out to those that are experiencing similar tragedies.  My words are bringing hope and pointing people to the Lord.  Infant loss can throw you into deep, dark places.  But Lucas reminds me that there is Light.  My responsibility for the rest of my days is to share that Light. 

Lucas’ middle name is Frederic, which means “Peace”.  John 14:27 says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  The phrase in that verse that stands out to me is “I do not give to you as the world gives”.  When God is not a part of your life and tragedy strikes, it is final, there is no hope.  When God is intimately involved in your life and tragedy strikes, there is always hope.  Tragedy is just part of the story.  God has yet to complete your story.  He’s still hard at work behind the scenes putting all the pieces of the puzzle together.  That is peace.  That is where we can find rest in the midst of pain. 

Lorelei’s name comes from Greek mythology that tells of the Sirens that would lure sailors to them.  My prayer was that she would draw people to her because of her middle name, Joy.  That she would be a bubbly, joyful girl whose joy was infectious.  As some hear this prayer, it may make them sad.  But I don’t share this to be sad.  The truth is, her spirit lives on in me.  We share the same middle name.  Her spirit of joy will be carried on, I promise you that.

As I look back on the last few months, I remember a fog but more significantly, I feel that fog has lifted.  My dad described this so well at the memorial. 

 

“When I returned to Michigan last Friday, I used my direction phone app, Waze, and up would come ‘Fog Alert’ and I would be in fog for a time, where everything turned to gray and as I kept traveling, grayness would begin to dissipate and the sunlight and the fall colors would once again be seen.

The difference in our experience is that we don’t have a life app that says “fog ahead.”  It just hits…sometimes for a short time, sometimes for a longer period…it will come without rhyme or reason at times in which we are surprised…but I want you to remember there is light and color on the other side.”  

 

I can’t describe it better than that.  Fog dictated the first couple of months.  I longed for Joy again.  But I knew that eventually the fog would lift.  And it did.  But you know what is even better?  I have a better appreciation of joy because of the fog.  Lately, when I find myself in a true, belly laugh- often at my ridiculously funny 3 year old- I stop for a moment and truly appreciate that laughter.  It may be just a brief moment of appreciation but I don’t take it for granted because I know what it feels like for that to be absent.   

 

As I started writing this, my son came running to me with broken pieces of his “robot”.  He had built it with those giant legos.  I calmly told him that he could put it right back together.  He tried and tried and cried and cried.  He took the pieces and hit them against the floor.  God whispered to me “this is grief”.  His little toddler heart is broken. His creation is broken and in pieces.  He tries desperately to put it back together but its just not the same.  So he gets angry.  He lashes out- first at the pieces and then at me because to him I am there to fix everything.  But one of the hardest lessons in life is that sometimes things just can’t be fixed.  Sometimes all we can do is surrender, grieve, be held, and realize that there’s something even more precious that can come out of this experience.  Eventually Trey surrendered to grief and calmed down and rested in my arms for a bit.

After a while I asked if he wanted to go upstairs to build a new robot.  He nodded “yes”.  We went upstairs and got to work.  He built a bigger robot and picked it up to take it downstairs.  Crash!  It fell to the floor and the tears again began to flow.  We built another one together this time.  He handed it to me and asked me to take it downstairs.  I think he realized that this time if Mom held it it might stay together.  Again, this is grief.  When we experience tragedy, we immediately begin to pick up the pieces and rebuild.  We try and try.  We do everything within our power to get it right.  But we fail to realize that life isn’t about what we can do.  Life is in God’s hands, not ours.  Only when we truly surrender, hand the pieces to God and let Him carry it can we move on.

So here I am picking up the broken pieces of my life.  Here I am in surrender- I surrender my family, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my sadness of what once was, and my joy.  Here I am offering it to Him- the creator of all life.  What He will do with the pieces- I have no idea.  Will he add to our family again or will it just be the 3 of us?  I don’t know.  Will He use this blog just for my healing or will He use it for a greater purpose?  Will this blog bring other dreams to fruition?  I don’t know. 

What I do know is the He holds the pieces.  All I have to do is remember Lucas and point others to God’s Light and Peace. And as I remember Lorelei, I allow myself to be filled with Joy and do my best to spread God’s joy into other people’s lives.  Today a friend reminded me that its ok to be broken.  But God’s desire is not for us to remain there.  He restores our souls (Psalm 23:3).  He takes our broken pieces and creates a beautiful mosaic. The choice is ours as to whether or not we will let our pieces be a thing of beauty or just remain pieces with potential.