Its Bark Is Worse Than Its Bite

The dreaded day has arrived.  My kid crawled out of his crib.  He’s 3 so it was inevitable. Most people are shocked he is still in a crib at 3.  I wasn’t rushing that milestone.  My kid is crazy busy and never stops.  His crib is his safe place.  I always knew that once he was in there, I could relax because he would eventually drop into a deep sleep.  If I put him in a big boy bed, it would be a horrible fight because he would just get out of his room and keep playing (he only sleeps in his crib so if he’s out of it, he’ll just keep playing). 

Today it happened.  I realized that it was really quiet in his room so I checked the monitor.  There was no kid in the crib.  I zoomed in- yep still no kid.  Crap.  Eventually I saw him run up to his crib and climb back in (only to climb back out).  I was curious to see where this would lead.  Would he destroy something in his room?  Would he come running out of his room filled to the brim with pride over his new-found talent?   Would I find him in another room (there are two other bedrooms and an office on the second floor)?  I decided to wait and see what would happen.  I sat downstairs, eyeing the monitor and keeping my ears peeled for disaster.  It was eerily quiet- my kid is never quiet.  After 30 minutes I couldn’t take it.  I was riddled with curiosity. 

I decided to sneak up through his Jack n Jill bathroom so I could see what he was doing before he knew I was there.  I quietly crept upstairs and through the empty bedroom.  My one major obstacle was the bathroom door.  It was closed and I know from similar sneaking experiences that the door pops when it opens. This could blow the entire operation.  I proceeded with caution.  POP!  I winced.  But I didn’t hear any movement in Trey’s room.    I tip-toed through the bathroom and peeked around the corner of his bedroom.  What I saw absolutely shocked me.  He was sitting on the floor… reading.  WHAT?!  Who is this kid?  That is NOT what I expected.  But that was the whole point.  One of the lessons I have learned lately is that the anxiety leading up to an event is far worse than the event itself- or Its bark is worse than its bite. 

About two weeks after losing the twins I was invited to a women’s event at church.  The speaker’s name was Sarah and she is fellow infant loss survivor, as I like to call them (I’ve been involuntarily inducted into a new club- often a secret society but not in my case).  Because my loss was so recent, the woman in charge of the event wanted me to meet Sarah.  So she took me under her wing and allowed me to tell my story.  She gave me some practical advice.  We even laughed over some of the weird things you find funny when you have faced such a tragedy.  Sarah is the one that told me about how the anxiety is worse than facing the situation.  I couldn’t be more grateful for that advice.  It has been what I whisper to myself some days as just try to put one foot in front of the other. 

I have always been an anxious person.  I’m a pastor’s kid so I grew up with a lot of expectations placed on me.  Thankfully, not from my parents.  If my mom ever heard someone say what we “should” being doing as pastor’s kids- watch out- mama bear’s a-comin’.  The expectations were both from the church as a whole and expectations I placed on myself.  I always felt like I “should” be the example.  I “should” have it all together.  I always walked into a room wondering what people thought of me. 

Now I felt like I had the “grief” spotlight on me.  Where should I be in my grief? Should I cover myself in black and be crying constantly?  Will people judge me if I smile and laugh? What do I say to people that want to console me?  What will happen if someone says something to me that sets me off and makes me cry? 

Even from the beginning, I had no problem talking about the twins.  At first I would cry during the story but I would compose myself and keep going.  My anxiety came when I would face the possibility of running into someone that didn’t know.  I dreaded the “how are the babies doing” question.  Or the stare when they saw me clearly not pregnant.  How do I break the news without making them extremely uncomfortable? 

I remember going to a party for church volunteers shortly after losing the twins.  There was a woman that volunteers at the child check in area that I had been talking to about the twins.  On the day that I went to the hospital she had shared her story with me about how she went into labor with twins at 24 weeks.  She lost one of her babies. We are not facebook friends with her so I assumed she didn’t know about our loss.  I remember being close to panicking on the way to church.    As we went into the party I remember scanning the crowd looking for her.  She wasn’t there. We ended up sitting with people that we didn’t know at all so I could pretend like nothing was wrong. 

A few weeks later, I went to church for the first time with my son.  As I walked up to the check in counter, there she was.  But instead of the dreaded “how are the babies?”, she wrapped her arms around me and offered her condolences.  I’ll never forget the relief that washed over me, closely followed by deep, profound gratitude.  I thought about how grateful I am for the church that we attend.  I don’t know who spread the word about our situation but I am eternally grateful for them.  They made a very difficult situation very sweet.  They replaced my dread with feelings of being loved and cared for.  Our church is huge but in that moment it felt small.  It felt like family. 

That is just one example of how my anxiety was far worse than the actual event.  God was watching over me in that moment.   He watches over all my moments.  Deuteronomy 31:8 says “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”  Psalm 139:5-6 says “You go before me and follow me.  You place your hand of blessing on my head.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand.”  Isaiah 45:2 says “I will go before you and make the rough places smooth…”  This concept isn’t new.  Its been around since the beginning of time.  But its comforting to know that I serve the God who created time.  He sees the tragic parts of my life long before it happens.  He is there before I get there.  He’s there for the fall out.    

This is where I practice what I preach.  I have two appointments this week.  Tuesday I get my hair done and Thursday I go to the dentist.  The last time I went to each of these I was pregnant and we talked about all things baby.  I even talked to the dentist about how I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it to my appointment because I didn’t know when the twins were coming.  I’m dreading the shocked stares when I walk in these two places not waddling uncomfortably with twins.  But I know my Lord goes before me.  He won’t leave me and he has placed his hand of blessing on me.  I can trust that he will smooth out the rough places.  So I say let it bark!  With God’s help, I can handle the bite!