The Presents of God

The Presents of God.  See what I did there?  Presents? Presence?  My teacher friends are probably dying right now.  You used the wrong word!  Nope.  I didn’t.  God’s Presence is a present.  Many people have asked how we are getting through this experience of losing our babies.  God’s presence has been so evident.  We can’t deny his hand in all of this. Each time he showed up is a present.  It almost got to the point where we were looking forward to the next time he would show up. I want to let you in on the presents of his Presence. 

Hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back on this pregnancy, there were signs of trouble.  The first is that I never had a peace about it.  Of course I was overjoyed.  We had tried for so long for these babies.  But from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was riddled with anxiety.  I couldn’t sleep a wink.  For my mama friends out there- think about the fatigue in the first trimester.  Now think about that fatigue and not being able to sleep.  It was awful.  Once I found out we were having twins, I joked that the insomnia was God’s way of getting me ready to be up all night with two babies.  In contrast, as soon as I thought I was pregnant with Trey, I was filled with joy.  All of my type A tendencies went out the window because I was just so excited to have this baby.  Being able to compare my pregnancies, I think I knew something would go wrong. The presents of God.  He gave me the gift of anxiety to get me ready for the gift of peace. 

Another way God prepared me was that I didn’t make plans for these babies.  When you are pregnant, you make all sorts of plans.  You plan the nursery, you think about how cute Christmas pictures will be, you think about birthdays, etc.  I only planned one thing: their dedication.  I was looking forward to my family coming out for the dedication this summer.  My dad is a pastor and he dedicated Trey to the Lord.  I was looking forward to him doing that for the twins.  However, when I planned the service and the songs we would sing, I literally thought “for the dedication or the funeral”.  Who thinks like that?  Who thinks about their kid’s funeral?  The presents of God.  He gave me the gift of preparation.  By the way, the songs I chose worked so much better for a memorial than they would have for a dedication.  I remember singing them at the memorial, stunned as the lyrics washed over me.    

A third present of his presence was in my small group.  I have led small groups at church for a couple years but I decided not to lead this year because I didn’t know what was going to happen with the twins.  God knew.  So instead of leading, I signed up to attend a small group.  I chose one that seemed to be a good topic.  This is a HUGE small group.  I have never seen a group so large.  Even in a group so large, I only knew one person, Thereza.  God has brought Thereza into my life three times.  The first was about 4 years ago.  We were involved in a service project together at church.  The service project was collecting items to give to parents whose children pass away in the hospital.  We delivered them to a local hospital.  I remember feeling so out of place in this group because everyone that volunteered had lost babies through miscarriage or still born.  Denny and I hadn’t even started to try to have kids.  But God knew that I would one day be in the position of leaving the hospital without my children.  We received memory packages for Lucas and Lorelei that reminded me of the items I had taken to the hospital many years ago.  The second time God brought Thereza into my life was when I was pregnant with Trey.  We served together in the middle school program at church.  The third time was in this small group.  God knew that I would need Thereza’s encouragement at such a time as this.  The presents of God.  He gave me the gift of renewed friendships.

A fourth present of his presence was in my small group leader, Annie. The first day of our small group we went around and introduced ourselves.  I shared that I was pregnant with twins.  Annie shared that she was a labor and delivery nurse.  What provision of God.  Of all the small groups to land in, he had me choose a group led by a labor and delivery nurse.  Annie came to visit me in the hospital.  She barely made it because I was being discharged.  God was so good in having Annie there at that specific time.  Discharge is a stressful time.  You want so badly to get out of there but they are throwing forms at you to sign, giving you instructions, etc.  Being in the emotional/hormonal state that I was in, it was hard to take everything in.  But God brought Annie to be another set of ears to hear the instructions and ask clarifying questions that we were not in our right minds to ask. 

As we were waiting for the wheelchair to be delivered so we could leave, I was writing thank you notes to the nursing staff.  I had one for the delivery staff, one for the recovery staff, and one for my favorite nurse, the voice of my babies.  I gave the notes to my nurse and she said she would run and deliver them.  Before we left, Denny, Annie, Sarah and I gathered and prayed.  As we were praying I heard the door open.  When I opened my eyes I saw the voice of my babies, with my card in her hand.  She said she hadn’t even read it yet.  She just wanted to come say goodbye.  I cried and hugged her.  She said that in the short time that we were there, my babies had made an impact on their staff.  That is what this is about.  Even in death, my babies have a mission to glorify the Lord.  Then I heard her say “I know you”.  Odd.  I stepped back and saw that she was looking at Annie.  Turns out Annie was her small group leader years ago.  I can’t make this stuff up.  Only God can write a story with such intricate details.  The presents of God.  He gave me the gift of details.

This is just a taste of what God did.  There are so many more.  God is so good.  I can say that with confidence because of the present of His presence.  Even in the midst of tragedy, we can still be confident of his goodness and love.  It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. We still have our dark days.  You can be sure of that.  But in those days, we can look back and the stories of his presence and feel his comforting arms around us once more.